Feeling (what’s a good word for it?) morose.
Yesterday I ate some candy and cookies. Really trying not to beat myself up over allowing such things on Halloween. Realized there was no party to go to, well, not until November the 14th. Yes, I have been invited to a full-scale, wear costumes Halloween party in the future. I have enough time to make that gross kitty-litter cake I’ve always wanted to try!
I dropped everything to look up the recipe and write down the ingredients and learn how to make it.
It had mixed reviews. Many people made changes to the original recipe which confused and overwhelmed me. I decided on using peanut butter cookies, adding some frosting, using Little Debbie (R) brownies instead of Tootsie Rolls (R) and mixing it together before the pudding had fully set. I also thought, maybe I’ll just grab a brain jelly mold and create a creamy pink gel. I love jello, it would be super easy, and cheap! However, for some reason I felt dis-heartened about the decision. I really want to do the cake.
Went next door to a beauty supply place, and although I would like to wear makeup, all the knowledge of the bad stuff in makeup has me not wanting to buy any of the regular stuff. The good stuff is expensive, though, so I wind up not wearing any unless I have a planned date with my husband or something. I couldn’t justify buying anything, so I went back to the toy store.
I was stuck there at the toy store, so the jello mold sat there in my view as I pondered whether to get yet another thing that would take up space in our already cluttered apartment, that is IF I even get to go to the party, and having to go without my husband (what a bummer).
Sure, even spending $6 on a jello mold seems outlandish given our current economic status, if my paycheck had gone through, maybe I’d feel better about buying it, but maybe not–our bills are getting the better of us. The kitty litter cake would be more expensive to make, did I want to go through that much trouble and wind up not being able to go? The container would also be a thing that would take up space, unless in either of these cases I just turned around and donated them. Did I really want to bring something to the party that wasn’t healthy?!? It was about this time when my husband came over and asked me what was wrong. I had so many wrong things in my head at the time, that I said, “I can’t quite say.”
He allowed that, and I went back to thinking. “I still have some time to wait to hopefully get paid, then I can go back to the concept of buying specialized items or obtaining healthy recipes for a Halloween party”.
So I dropped the issue.
I was irritated (although I didn’t bother to dress up, because the date totally escaped my mind) that I had nowhere to go on Halloween. I was also aware that my husband had been awake for an extreme amount of time, so he was going to fall asleep, and be unable to go to anything I might come up with.
I decided to watch Twilight Zone, but I couldn’t find it playing, so I started watching a Stephen King movie and enjoying some rum. However, when my husband decided to go to bed, I could no longer endure the scary movie. I proceeded to play a Match 3 game until I could get horror out of my mind, and went to bed.
I slept heavily. I had to get up to watch the cat eat at one point, and fell asleep on the floor. My husband woke me just enough to tell me he was hungry. This to me means “get up and cook something for me”, which upset me quite a bit, but then he was telling me to get up and go to bed, which was a relief. I should have taken my morning medicines at that time, but did not.
I went back to sleep and had a rather “fun” dream, where I met a hot guy I played with a bit. I awoke in a playful mood, and approached my husband with a playful “Hi” and “How are you?” But he is a rather honest character, who was irritated. He did not seem to sense his opportunity. He said he was very upset about the state the kitchen was in (pregnant pause here) but “otherwise fine.” Normally this would bounce off of me, but not today.
Today it painfully points out to me that I am unable to keep up with the tasks of the household. Maybe I should have stayed home instead of going with him to the toy store the day before, but he LOVES it when I go. Feeling down-trodden, and never good enough, I went quiet and just hung out there near the cat food even after the cat had walked away. I was merely awaiting the ability to enter the kitchen and make myself some oatmeal. He asks what is wrong, and I shake it off, and say I’m just tired. Why did I not be more open with him? It is because in his upbringing sad girls were being manipulative and mean, they faked tears to get him in trouble. When he asks “What is wrong?”, he does so with an angry scowl on his face. In my upbringing, an angry scowl means shut up and go hide somewhere. I’m hurt because of my disability, it’s nothing new.
My mind goes to bad places and I cry silently as I simultaneously make oatmeal for myself and rinse some dishes. I eat oatmeal and drink coffee as I begin this blog.
He wants to go for a walk. I get dressed, and then continue blogging. He never gets ready and eventually decides to lie down. I go in there with him thinking a good cuddle will help me pull myself together. Getting the laundry done is brought up and I end up silently crying, hiding my face from him. He is in a negative mental place as well, and complains about something wrong going on with him. I can’t take any more negativity and go to the other room.
I lie down on the couch and hope for a pleasant dream, to wake up happier, but never sleep. I am up again to finish this blog, still feeling terrible. Going back to the kitchen to rinse some more dishes, not laundry, because I don’t know when he might awaken and be ready to go on that walk.