As you may know I have a facebook page called Reframing My Childhood. I am more likely to update that with little snippets in a more timely manner. This blog is more for my long, drawn out mental meanderings. I will then post to the Facebook page that I have updated here. On my personal Facebook page, it will remind me how long it’s been since I last updated, I last updated 10 days ago, so I figured it’s time for me to take a look at what’s been happening over the past 10 or more days.
I am currently in what I call “hibernation mode”. Very quickly into this paycheck, after paying all our bills we have very little left to use for food etc. This causes a psychological reaction in me where I figure if I am asleep, I won’t be tempted in any way to spend money. Knowing this about myself is very helpful in handling it. I at least understand my propensity to eat whatever is available (aka going off diet) and sleeping most of the day.
I was thinking this morning (5:30 a.m.) of how I would normally handle mornings. I’m cold, and therefore put on a sweatshirt, and I stay up by getting involved in Facebook or my chores for the day. Oh, I hate doing chores, so they usually get left until 7 p.m. or so when it’s more of a feeling of “what do I have to do before I can go to sleep?” situation.
That struggle with chores is another part of my psyche that I want to change. Stemming from the feelings of having to do housework simply because I’m female, but also from bad childhood experiences of my dad making me pick up every tiny bit of paper from my bedroom floor even though we had a vacuum (a word I NEVER spell correctly). Even when my mom was the only breadwinner, she was still expected to do all the cooking and housework. I don’t have memories of my mom cleaning when we were in a house. Housework just wasn’t done while we lived in the shack. It wasn’t sticky, it was just cluttered and the wood floor was always dirty or muddy.
My dad was cruel toward my mom if his food wasn’t to his liking. When we were poor, and having spaghetti again, he threw it against the wall cruel. I hurdle great mental obstacles when cooking for my husband on a daily basis, although he is encouraging and appreciative even when I fail miserably at making pancakes or something.
I know we both want to eat in a healthier manner, but the thought of 1.) Creatively deciding on a meal to make that won’t kill our budget or make either of us sick stumps me ALL-THE-TIME! 2.) Actually preparing the thing (I have fibromyalgia, so it’s painful to do so) and 3.) Having to rinse off all the dishes afterward (at least we currently have a dishwasher). So we have lots of frozen pizza.
When I was single and barely scraping by, I was having a discussion with some older ladies about having company over. They would always use real dishes, while I would use plastic. I asked them about the mountain of dishes afterward and they said “just have your girl do it”. I am my own “girl”. What a different concept that was to me, but it certainly didn’t help how I felt about chores. I started calling them “errands” but then my husband thought I would be driving around. House”work”… what else can I call it, to make it more palatable for me to do?
My husband and I have lived in our current apartment for around 2 years. I’ve mopped and vacuumed once or twice. We really need a maid, but someone we both know and trust, once we can afford such luxuries. So I tend to put time in on the internet, searching for actual ways to make money. Looking for a regular job won’t work for me. I fall apart at a mere 15 hour/week job. That’s when I applied for disability. Please forgive me if I wrote about this before, I’ve got a memory like a steel sieve.
If I’m asleep, I’m not eating and not making a mess. Hibernation mode also means I pour myself into match 3 games and such, avoiding thinking about the budget, eating, etc. I finally get around to it, but then go back to erasing it from my mind with games.
Currently in hibernation mode, playing Monster Busters, Monster Busters: Hexa Blast, and Island Experiment (not a match 3 game).